Being Fat

I`ve spent a lot of years hating myself because I was overweight. I never felt beautiful. I hide from crowds. I don't date because it's easier to be alone than be judged by someone you have hope for. Basically, I feel like I've had my life on hold. Thirty-four years old, and I've been in a holding pattern of sorts.

And why? Because I've been afraid of being shuned or mocked. Because I didn't fit the ideal of society, I let myself believe that I wasn't worthy. But you know what? I am damn worthy. I'm a nice person. A bit jaded and bitter, but still nice underneath. I'm a good friend and a good person.

It's taken some time to figure it out, but being fat doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me unlucky in the area of metabolism and genetics. Combine all that with self-esteem issues and crap coping methods and you have the story of my life.

I refuse to be shamed any more. I am making better choices in my life, not because society tells me I need to, but because I want to. I will never be the Beauty Queen and I'm okay with that. I do, however, have a family history rife with heart disease and diabetes. I refuse to be dead from heart failure at forty-five like my dad. Although it is unlikely I'll have children to leave behind, unlike him.

I've been doing Weight Watchers since October 26, 2011. I've had a few ups and downs and am currently down a total of 12.6 pounds. It's a good number, but sadly very small in comparison to what I need to lose. I'm about 5'6" ish and according to Weight Watchers, my ideal weight is between 124 and 155 pounds. I haven't weighed 150 pounds since I was ten. Right now, I weigh 363.2 pounds (having started at 375.8 and lost 12.6). That leaves me a minimum of 208.2 pounds to lose.

That's a scary, scary number. But it is doable. I just need to stay focussed and motivated. Baby steps.